I had yet another thrilling telephone conversation with my mother the other day--She calls me out of obligation, I imagine, to make sure I'm still alive. Keeping tabs on her offspring I guess..She prefers to keep the phone calls short and general unless my tone is more morose than usual , as it is. I am so stressed out and I can't focus and I have so many assignments coming up. I have a sense of true despair and I swear if I were even able to anymore, I would have just spent the whole day choking back tears. But apparently, according to mother, I'm an emotional cripple.
Not only did she deride my time management skills, but, knowing how overwhelmed I am, she continued to press me for what sort of idea I've come up with for what I'm going to do next year. She keeps suggesting I go to school and study something else before doing my English MA. I wonder how I'm supposed to afford all this education and still survive as well as keeping hold on the ever weakening cord tying together my body and mind. I feel rather unhinged these days, but I really don't want to go back on any pills They make me sick and depressed (more so--because I don't like the idea of having to take something to appear normal)...Incidentally, I've not managed to get any work done at all, despite a 4 hr stint in the library today. I feel incredibly stupid, incompetent and very empty.
My mother likes to use herself as an example of how collected someone can be, how things always work out. She told me I was young and pretty and should get myself out there. I was cruel and told her I wasn't like her--she's gone through quite a few boyfriends since finally kicking out the psychopath I'm embarrassed to call father (apparently, according to a source, he's started drinking heavily, which is probably the only reason I haven't got more psycho death threats). When I told her I've never been into dating and that I have a real problem with trust and physicality (when I was little, I was one of those flinching, "I don't like to be touched" children who got permission to stay in and read at recess rather than engage in messy sports), she reacted more strongly to this, than when I told her I might just be suffering a total mental breakdown and I thought I'd die any time now--the woman cares, apparently. She got all huffy and said something along the lines of --in a really incredulous, snide way, "So you want to be alone forever?!"...'Mother' can't understand, that unlike her, I don't need someone else to complete me...I feel far to rent apart already from my personal stuff and I really don't feel up to sharing this information with someone who expects things from me. It makes me ill. But then everything does. Mother suggested I was in love with my sadness and was quite pathetic. I told her not to quote Pumpkins lyrics and I wouldn't reprimand her for her poor choice in men and her idiocy in the case of her ill-fated marriage.
She somehow thinks my unwillingness to date comes from a really shallow place and that I must have high expectations--which is ridiculous considering the only people I've ever dated turned out to be incredibly well-intentioned, understanding, sweet people, but with serious substance/alcohol abuse/mental/criminal problems. I don't think I carry high expectations. maybe that's my problem. Hurrah for low self-esteems and reluctant co-dependence. At least I'm not in search of a prop to help me along. That would be cruel. If someone "nice" expresses interest, it's terrifying because they couldn't possibly get a lot of my issues--there are many--I am bad luck--every one I know, everything I touch seems to rot. All my friends have been in and out of hospitals this year. One of them overdosed repeatedly on sleeping pills. Going home is nothing but depression and subsequently, a lot of hours alone, watching television until 5am, as none of the people from home are healthy enough to do things with me. It's either idleness alone or drinking with acquaintances over a bar with really loud music to limit conversation. I can handle it. Spackle on some makeup. Make myself smile for once. pretend I enjoy people. etcetera. Makes me can't wait for christmas.
I have a headache. It's terrible. I hope I don't die but I really don't feel alive
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