Numb

What can I say, really? Time seems to be progressing quickly and I keep meeting interesting intelligent--as well as irritating and boring--people from all over the place. The problem is that I usually meet these people when I am out drinking on the weekend, and what they learn about me and what I learn about them is most likely terribly skewed by the entirely different personality I seem to develop when I've had 2 or 3 strong drinks.--I'm not even technically supposed to be drinking because I have bad reactions whilst on my pills, but I don't exactly have the best history of heeding 'very good advice.'

I never drink lots--it doesn't take lots to get me really drunk these days. I think I may have even lost a bit of weight since I've been here (don't worry, people...). After 1 strong Long Island Icetea on Saturday, I was ready to become sociable, handled the general bar-flirtations well, and was ever-ready with witty commentary. A veritable social being. After a few drinks, I am quite the intriguing person, I'm sure, but I often wonder how much of my drinking personality is contrived especially for the purpose of communicating with other people. I am not a sociable person, I'm really not--the awful thig is that I'd really like to be. I just can't seem to handle a lot of chattiness, giggling and basically just a general sense of pretend-or otherwise calm when I'm my regular self.

Of course, now that I'm on 'mood-altering' medication, I don't quite know what my "regular self" is at this point. It really bothers me that I can't be like normal people without my daily green and white gel tablet, a bitter little pill which I've come to regard with much contempt. It's in a massive bottle. I've got a year's supply. I don't feel any better since I've e been on them and I've often felt terribly depressed since I've started taking them. Maybe I'm just to stubborn for pills to work. I am sure there must be some psychosomatic loopholes where Prozac is concerned.

My doctor told me that I was to email her every 2 weeks to talk about any potential reactions--I haven't yet...oops. I started on the pills immediately before leaving for Korea, so I haven't been to a therapist or discussed the things I normally would discuss with one in quite a little while. This sad little blog will have to be my therapy. It's almost perverse in a strangely fulfilling way allowing strangers to read my thoughts. It's like whispering things to someone sitting in front of you on the bus. I could disallow it, of course--I think Myspace has that option--but it's almost a little exciting. I'm a little strange that way. Let no one say I never reached out to humanity..

But yeah, my doctor said I might become really depressive while on the pills. She said that if I began to think awful little suicide thoughts I should stop taking them--which seems a little warped to me--rather purpose-defeating.. I have thought about death obviously--my own, I mean, ut when have I not, really? Don't most people at some point consider their options? I haven't fashioned a noose, bought any exacto knives (they all seem to have happy little Asian cartoon characters on them and the idea that I'll die and be discovered next to a knife with a picture of smiling-happy-best-friends-with-freakishly-large-anime-eyes-and-hearts-and-terrible-'konglish' on it makes me feel a little too ridiculous and melodramatic. I think this is just the way I am--This is how I've always been. I guess I'll still take them, like it or not, but a lot of the time, I'm still going to feel terrible.

On Sunday, I stayed in bed all day because I just felt so tired. I didn't feel like eating and I didn't feel like sleeping. I just kind of watched the clock and did some thinking. At about 630pm, I finally peeled myself out of bed, drank some milk and went for a walk. I bought a maroon scarf--exciting, I know--you don't have to tell me!--I need to be more motivated when I shop.

I went home, I went online, watched tv but couldn't really manage to focus long enough to see or understand a show....I do get English television...I just felt really out of it. My eyes feel like they're getting blurry again and I think I may need to find a place to get an eyeglasses prescription here in Korea. I felt really tired and nauseated (maybe I will start having migraines again...?) around 11pm, so I decided to return to the tomb of blankets that my bedroom always inevitably becomes. I was in no mood for consciousness that night, so I took a sleeping pill and was outuntil at least 6 the next morning. I didn't feel like working on Monday, needless to say--The school is always freezing and I'm just not feeling very dynamic at the moment. Go figure...

The Korean English teacher has left, so I don't really know what's going on with classes today. Hopefully I won't have to take over Cathy's duties in addition to my own. There are no other teachers here other than the principal and after my little tantrum, I doubt he likes me very much (it wasn't a full-out tantrum, but I was very confrontational, which I find difficult to do and unpleasant as hell. I felt like I was going to break down in tears--If I actually was able to shed them--that's how awful being assertive for me is...). Anyway, the problem was that my boss neglected to pay me on the 8th--my regular payday (according to my contract). And, on the 9th, he was supposed to take me to register for my Alien card becasue I need it to stay in Korea, legally. He told me that he would come pick me up at 10:30am on Thursday. Of course, he didn't show up and I got extremely upset. When I called his cellphone and then the school and didn't get an answer I began to think he was avoiding me and shirking the what he owed me--like a paycheque and all the clauses promised in my contract. I'd basically run out of cash at this point--I had brought well under $1000 with me to the country, so it's been a pretty frugal 5 weeks.

I ended up panicking, calling a friend and meeting her for coffee and a cigarette outside a convenience store near my apartment. This was at about 12:30 ( I have to be at work at 1:30 and my first class of the day was at 2pm). All of a sudden, my boss appears and asks if I've been calling his cell phone. When I glared at him and stammered the affirmative, he acted all surprised about my mentionning the Alien card. So, in a mad rush, he consents to take me to get it done and we speed all the way to Incheon's Immigration office in utter silence, fill out the paperwork, run up and down staircases rather than waste time waiting patiently for elevators that never come, and then speed ack home to Bucheon in what feels to me like an even more pinched sort of silence. I felt terribly uncomfortable. I asked him about getting paid...He said to me that I'll get it 'today.' However, by the end of the day, I am still broke and go home with a disgusting nervous feeling in my stomache and a sickening 'thudding' sort of headache. I call friends and am given the advice to be agressive, to demand my money first thing Friday.

Friday afternoon, I slink into the office and wait half an hour. I need to work myself up. At 2pm, I knock on the boss' door and ask if I will be paid today. "Yes," he says. "Can I be paid now, then?" "Yes," he says again, but doesn't make any movements towards his desk or wallet or anything. I am becoming very agitated. I say, "Umm...then pay me now please. I was supposed to be paid on the 8th--2 days ago..." I begin to feel a little faint; I am sure I must look green. He tells me I must wait until the end of the day. I consent and go back to my area. I am highly upset at this point. I am fidgetty and angry. I cannot focus on planning any lessons. I waited for another half an hour and knocked again on his door. This time I reminded myself to make eye contact. I forced myself to stick to it. I have problems looking at people squarely. I sometimes blur my eyes to make it easier. I told him that if I wasn't paid by the end of the day, I wouldn't come to work on Monday, that I must always be paid on the 8th of the month, that I don't enjoy being confrontational, but that I equally don't enjoy having to ask to please be paid. I mentionned the contract, how it says the school would pay for me to take a course or join a gym, like the former teacher, Rob did. I told him I wanted to join a gym as well, and that after I paid and registered I would bring him the receipt and expect reimbursement.

At the end of the day, I was paid and we had a conversation about my teaching style (which he knows nothing about). Apparently I need to be more 'entertaining.' I think you might see wherein lies the problem...

I think I want to stay overseas for a little while, but I don't know how enjoyable it's going to be to work for this man. This biggest perk of this job is my apartment, which is really nice. Everything is difficult for me here, but I guess it's still better than being stuck at home.

Sometimes I feel like I've totally missed out on life. Why does nothing bring me joy? My boss keeps saying he's concerned because some students don't have fun in my class. They want to be entertained, he says. I am not an entertainer, I am a teacher, I tell him. If I play games all the time, they'll never learn a thing and only speak in Korean--but I guess they'll still feel like attending (and therefore paying) his institute. Maybe he'll fire me. Fantastic...I'll play games, I guess if it makes him leave me alone. I can't talk to people at work anyway...The other English teacher doesn't really speak English and the boss isn't so great himself. In the other classes the students have at the school, apparently it's mostly translation stuff, so they only speak Korean in class (even though it's a school for learning how to speak conversational English...)--which is ridiculous. I can't really understand Korean yet and don't speak it, so yeah, it's a bit hard for me to 'lead' the class, as requested, when all the students are speaking in a language I cannot understand--probably about me... fuckers are making me paranoid...My boss also mentionned to me today that Rob (the former teacher) spoke some Korean (he was here for a few years and is married to a Korean lady) and that because he is male, the kids probably repected him more. I thought I was doing a pretty good job; the students seemed to understand everything in class--they are ale to have conversations and answer my questions, but if I'm just a boring asshole, maybe I should just go home. I'm feeling pretty bad.